I Wish I Knew…9

…Mutual sexual fulfillment is not automatic


It’s not.

And this isn’t one of those easy to dive into conversation topics either…ha ha…okay….diving in we go….

My first thoughts are that our culture is very sexualized and places WAY TOO MUCH emphasis on sex being “the glue” in a relationship. Really, considering the amount of sex being had in non-relationships….it’s really lost much of its gluey-ness and nearly all of its sacredness. It seems more like fruitflies in a mating frenzy rather than a soul-binding, intimacy-building connection between two people who have pledged their lives to each other. Even animals have more sexual fidelity than some of us humans. I digress….

One of my office friends was pretty shocked to hear I had gotten married without first living together. “How do you know if you have sexual chemistry???” Well, what is sexual chemistry? It’s matching all the things you liked based on experiences from all your previous partners to the things the other person likes based on the experiences he had with all his previous partners. Sounds like it’ll be hard to match…and if that’s a deal breaker…then I think it’ll only get harder to match with time. For us, well, starting from the first day of marriage, we get to discover and tailor our sexual chemistry to us and us alone. No other memories. No comparisons. No barriers.

I’m not saying that not having past partners makes mutual sexual fulfillment automatic, or even “way easier”. There are a few less psychological barriers to work through but regardless, it takes a lot of work to reach that mutually “fulfilling” state. A year later, we’re still learning and discovering. Communication is the key.

These are a few things the author Gary Chapman believes you should know:

  • Men tend to focus on the intercourse while women focus on the relationship. Sex doesn’t “fix” the conflict…you have to address the heart of the relationship for intimacy to grow. I heard a wife say, “I’d rather have help with the kids and dishes than an orgasm.” I daresay if the kids and dishes were taken care of there’d be way more of a mood and time for an orgasm or two.
  • For women, foreplay is more important than intercourse itself. I’ve also heard it said “Women are like slow cookers, men are like microwaves.” It’s true. So…..s l o o o w   d o o o w n. See, more “o’s” already.
  • Mutual sexual satisfaction does not mean simultaneous climax. You see that a lot in the movies…but it’s just a movie and not usually reality. Don’t focus on this…focus instead on mutual enjoyment of being close to the person you love.
  • Forcing a sexual act on your spouse is never an act of love but is sexual abuse. True love always seeks to bring pleasure to your spouse more than to yourself.
  • Sex is more than just intercourse. It joins body, soul and spirit….and should be viewed as an act of love that expresses in the deepest possible way your commitment to each other. When it stops being this, mutual fulfillment will not be reached.
  • Communication is [still] the key. No one is a mind reader so learn to ask respectfully what works and what doesn’t…also learn to listen empathetically. The goal is mutual fulfillment afterall.
  • The past never remains in the past. You need to talk about this before you marry and work out any emotional or psychological barriers history may bring. Leaving it until after marriage will bring a greater barrier of feeling deceived.

So what we’ve been learning in year one is to focus on just finding ways we can show deep love and appreciation for each other…and in ways the other person feels deeply loved and appreciated. (Remember what Love is.) We hope we never stop learning how to do this and doing this in new ways.

Definitely looking forward to year two. 😉



4 responses

  1. Won’t lie. Chris moved in with me 9 months before we got married. It was the best thing we ever did. We got out a lot of our issues before hand. We were in pre-marital counselling and working on our issues daily. By the time our Wedding day arrived…we were doing pretty good.

    I also think you just BAREEELLLYYYY touched the surface on sex. There are so many things that are considered Taboo. Where do you draw the line between the giving of yourself for a request from your spouse and sexual abuse? Remember, that road goes two ways.

    I also want to disagree with the “For women, foreplay is more important than intercourse itself”. Maybe I’m the exception to the rule, but frankly, foreplay isn’t my forte. Every now and then I want some…more to feel intimacy…but typically, foreplay can last 3 minutes and I’m fine with that. In fact, for Chris and I its the opposite. I prefer faster he prefers slower.

    Maybe Chris and I are just different than the average couple, but some of those points are completely opposite us. I guess you take what works and what doesn’t and build your own experiences…which was probably your point….

    Gees…this is a blog post for me in the making! Sorry to take up so much space. =P

  2. You know what is hard about posts like this??? If I truly comment, I incriminate myself.
    What I can say is this….I technically saved sex for marriage. BUT…his past/present came to bite me in a way that was not anticipated. I wish the truth had been known before I got married…and then maybe I would not be divorced today.

    For a Christian who has never had sex, it can be hard to overcome that whole, “my spouse had sex before marriage, but I waited!” It’s hard to get past.

    I live in an alternate universe now though….black and white stopped being black and white ten years ago.

    I wish things would be as God intended them to be….but in some ways I will never know now. Honestly…if you can even truly TALK about the above then you have a very good relationship and thank the Lord He has brought that into your life.

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