Control Freak

Incidently…to no one’s surprise…I have control issues. (Don’t we all?) Over the course of this month, through conversations and messages heard, I’m seeing my whole internal struggle with how to pray over Graves Disease is also about control:

  • Controlling my thyroid with diet and/or medication.
  • Controlling how and what I eat.
  • Controlling  the timing of when I might be healthy enough for us to start a family.
  • And, controlling how I pray so that God might be compelled to answer…positively.

Who am I kidding? Other than controlling what I put into my own mouth, I have NO CONTROL over any of the above. Especially not God. (May He forgive me for trying to do so!) I realize that even if I take the RAI and kill the thyroid so that managing my hormones will be completely under human control, giving me complete certainty that I’ll have no risk of thyroid flare-ups when pregnant, I still have no control whether I can even get pregnant. And if I can’t, then what? I’d probably lament how I should’ve left my thyroid alone so I don’t have to take synthetic hormones the rest of my life.

It’s been a continuous lesson in my life: Surrendering control
I can plan, set up contingencies, adjust margins of failure, manage expectations, scheme, try to influence circumstances all I want, but God continues to show me I need to surrender control. It was grades, friendships, relationships or lackthereof, careers or lackthereof, the death of a family member….and now, my own health. Certainly we have the responsibility of being good stewards of what we’ve been given, like studying well, practicing love, having good work ethic, eating healthy, etc…but I’m talking about where my security and peace lays. Is it in “my” ability to do all the right things to make what I think should happen actully happen? Or is it in God? Just God….who promises that ALL things He can turn into good for those who love Him and are called according to His purposes. Key words: HIS purposes.

My security was based my ability to control outcomes…which again, to no one’s surprise, is impossible. When my plans and timelines start to crumble, I start to worry and get anxious over all the “what ifs”, “could’ves” and “should’ves”. (Interestingly, and not coincedently, Graves Disease can supposedly triggered by high stress or anxiety.) So, as mentioned in my last post, I have chosen to believe God 100%. And I’m also choosing to surrender 100% my attempts to control the healing and timing of things. I know I’ll fail a lot at this…but I will keep choosing it. God is not fooled by my words as He can see my heart…as much as my thoughts might try to rationalize options and renegotiate my choices…my heart needs to Trust Him. And then I need to act like it.

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