Beta and I were having a conversation about my first-ish (her, second-ish) year of marriage. One major finding was that our husbands were not like our girl BFFs. They’re men and will never be like a girl BFF. Don’t expect it.
I had this realization when it became clear I was trying to resolve conflict like I would with my besties. We girls do this:
- realize there is conflict
- arrange to have coffee to hash it out
- hash it out
- shed some tears
- go shopping together
But with a husband, step 1 might be the only common step. Usually, as soon as you say something like “Honey, we need to talk about __<insert issue>__” their guard and defenses goes up and they’re ready to spar because they feel attacked about said issue. When really, it was never meant to be an attack but a shedding of light on something the wife would like greater understanding from the husband in. And generally, women bring concerns up because she’s identified it as something that would improve the relationship. I mean, that’s why we bring issues up with our girl friends right?
Figuring out how to bring up concerns with each other continues to be a work in progress. An earlier post I wrote on how to solve disagreements without arguing has some good pointers that I’m trying to put into practice. It takes time, it takes until the next issue/arguement to arise, and it takes humility.
And that might be the harder part…to be humble in accepting our husbands are not like our BFF’s, to not expect them to be, to not think that our ways of hashing things out is the best way, and to consider how he would like to discuss/resolve issues. (Of course this humility needs to go two ways from the husband’s pov as well.)
At the end of the day, my husband is my best friend, soul-mate and lover….but he’s not gonna be my BFF. I love you Hun!