Marriage > Parents

As we’re making our plans to move to the Coast, I sometimes can’t help the feeling that I seem to be taking my in-law’s son away from them. It probably doesn’t help that this was an issue for my Grandma when my uncle moved away decades ago….so my family is always asking, “Are your in-laws mad at you?” “Do they blame you?” There has been no indication of such….but I can tell they really don’t want to see Skywalker so far away.

Certainly me being in the picture, already owning a condo on the Coast, married to their son, makes it that much easier for Skywalker to check “Live on the coast” off his bucket list. Mind you, San Diego was more what he had in mind…but hey….we can start North and then head South later. Would he have made the same decision had I not been in the picture? He said, “Maybe.”

This is only the third time I’m moving to the same Coast….so it’s almost old news for my parents. They were always prepared for their daughter to go wherever the husband goes…but I know they still would rather see me live closer.

Talking to PRCow recently, we shared similar thoughts that children should eventually leave their parents, but a husband and wife should always be together. This is biblical. (And it’s very different from how the world sees children as theirs forever while the spouse can be temporary.) Similarly, we agreed with the perspective that your marriage also needs to be of higher priority than what your parents want. I’m not saying AT ALL that we can dishonor, disrespect or disregard our parents. God rebukes such people. Rather, the emphasis is on your promise to your husband/wife to be joined as one primary unit, in heart, mind, body and spirit.

That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.  ~ Genesis 2:24

Above anyone else’s influence, suggestions, demands, requests, etc…while their opinions might be weighed in and considered, any decision made that will affect your primary unit (you and your spouse) needs to be made jointly. This way no blame can be laid on the other. “If only you hadn’t listened to your father’s crazy advice!” “Do you have to do everything your mother asks??” Once there is blame, there is room for resentment, and with resentment, bitterness…which ultimately kills love.

So, take the time to talk it through with your spouse. Everyone needs to be honest in laying out their thoughts and feelings before confirming the decision being made is one you jointly agree to.  Once it’s made, forever hold your peace! Even if it doesn’t go well, don’t let blame grow in your heart, but support each other and help pick up the pieces if it comes to it.

Last week I laid my thoughts and fears on the table and we talked through it. I have full assurance from Skywalker we’re doing this together. This move is OUR decision. For better or worse we’re in it together. And I am thankful.

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