Still Surrender

I was chatting with Beta about thoughts on starting a family. We’re of similar age, similar life stage, married just over a year apart from each other…and both not sure we want to start a family yet. There were thoughts of feeling inadequate, not feeling grown up enough, or how being a parent seems so foreign and that we’d like more time spent with just our respective spouses first.

I confess, my thoughts were more about how I didn’t want to give up my body, my schedule, my income, my travel plans and my goals. Me me me me. Yes, they’re pretty selfish reasons. Reasons that are not in line with God’s purpose and design for marriage. And I strongly believe this…marriage is supposed to be an earthly reflection of Christ’s union with His Bride, the Church…and wasn’t designed solely for pleasure. Out of God’s perfect love and desire for relationship, He created us. Being created in His image, the love and desire for relationship in a marriage also opens the opportunity to participate in “creating new life”. Marriage is a vehicle for God to work in and through me to being more like Christ. Joining my life with my spouse’s has already revealed areas of selfishness in me. Having children will definitely, and flagrantly, point out areas of selfishness in us. Oy.

Honestly, I’d be ok not giving that selfishness up right now.

Knowing this about myself is what tells me that this is yet another area of my life needing surrender to God. As weird as it sounds, and maybe even a little offputting to some, I feel a nudge in my heart that I need to surrender my selfishness to God by having children in obedience to His purpose for marriage. (How different that thought is from those who can’t wait to have children!) It’s not that I don’t want children….just not now. I’d love to have at least five years shared with just Skywalker, living as DINKS. At the same time, I want to be done having children by the time I’m 35…which is literally only a couple years away. Truth is, I can’t have both…that’s just not how God wrote this Story for us.

If the scenario was different and I did want children right away, I still might not be able to conceive. In which case I must still surrender my plans to God. The control isn’t in my hands. Sometimes it might seem like it is, but it’s really in God’s timing and purposes…and I need to surrender. I need to live in obedience.

And perhaps I’m actually a little terrified at the responsibility of raising a human…but I still have to wait until my thyroid is normal and stable anyways…so we’re DINKS for a little longer yet. phew.


Check out this response from a friend.

4 responses

  1. I can say I’m jealous of your ability to just run an errand. Not having to pack up the baby. The diaper bag. Load everything up. Unload it all at your destination, load it all up when your ready to go home and then unload it all again once your home.

    As I say that though, I look at Olivia and nothing…NOTHING…compares to her giggle. Her laugh. Her curiousity. Her absolute devotion to you as a parent.

    Parenting is the hardest, most challenging thing you will ever do. It is also the most rewarding experience you’ll ever get to have! =)

    So jump right in! =P

  2. Pingback: Kids/No Kids: A Response | Life of HeArt

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