Around the end of Grade 12, despite thinking I was so “good” and so “smart”, some feeling or thought was put in my head such that when we were singing “Holiness is What I Long For (Take my Life)” in worship one day, I really prayed those words to God. I desired holiness, I desired to be broken for God.
What does that mean really? I didn’t know….but I would find out. And keep finding out. Oh man. Would I ever. (Blog series to come.)
You know the verse, “Delight in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart” (Psalm 37:4)? I totally used to read it to mean that God would just give me the things I fancied. But as this brokenness prayer started to be answered, I started to understand the verse in two ways…
- God gives/PLANTS the desire of certain things into my heart so that I would want it
- and then He fulfills said desires
I don’t know that my selfish nature would ever, out of its own will, WANT brokenness…yet that Sunday, that song stirred in me some kind of other-wordly longing for a deeper connection to God. Those lyrics became a prayer and I asked for something I didn’t even understand.
God’s answer to that prayer is still going….some fifteen years later. There were many moments of gut wrenching tears that I told God “I didn’t ask for this!!” But looking back, I see I did. And I came to realize….while I asked for brokenness, He showed me very gently instead, how broken I already was.
And then, He started to make me whole….one part at a time. Faithfully and surely He will complete the good work He started through Christ in me. I am SO thankful.