It was a regular Thursday, but during the Calgary Stampede week. I was finishing at the office when I get a phone call. My brother’s been hurt. I need to get to the hospital. My sister and Dad were already there. I needed to find Mom. We didn’t have a car as Dad took it. But God provided as Meth came to drive my Mom and I to the hospital.
I saw look in my Dad’s eyes. Heard the sorrow from my Mom and sister. And heard the seemingly casual words from the attending physician. “He’s brain-dead. Please sign here to donate his organs.” (She said more than that, but that’s all I heard.) It was like clawing through a nightmare that you can’t wake up from. I slept, barely, woke….and the same crushing ache gripped me. I’m still not prepared to talk about all the details of that night or the following few days. I barely even let myself remember it…only fragments here and there. And purposely not in order. But I’m sure I can recall everything.
A raw, gaping, gushing hole was torn into my heart and life. The sun shone less brightly…and couldn’t bring warmth. I don’t know how else to describe it but my world changed. Shattered. Shifted. And I, I felt like I was teetering on the edge of a deep, dark precipice. I imagined leaning over, wondering how it would be to fall forward and allow the darkness consume me. But I felt God reach out and tell me that wasn’t the way, but to bring Him my sorrow instead. So for a while, it was like I sat on God/Daddy’s lap as He held and comforted me, a few feet from that cliff.
I thought back to a time where I wondered to myself “Well, I’ve been broken with regards to intelligence, friends, job and relationships….what else could be next? Health? Family? I think I’ll be prepared.”
Well. I wasn’t. But, I had gotten to know God more…and I know He loves my brother more than I can humanly grasp. I know God wasn’t being cruel in letting this happen. I know God knows infinitely more than I could imagine. I don’t need to understand everything. I could accept or reject His comfort. I could trust or blame Him. I didn’t know much more than that. Over the next few years of healing, though I don’t think we’ll completely heal on this side of Heaven, I realized a few things more. This wasn’t about God smashing idols. Or asking me if He is enough. This was about whether or not I would be faithful and trust Him. No matter what.
“You give and take away, but I will bless Your name.”